I’m second guessing myself big-time this week. So much so, that it’s giving me anxiety. All my life I have been told to do the right thing, and although I feel as if I did make the right choice in an action that I did I’m still second guessing myself.
Back in September I saw someone that I know fairly well cheating on their spouse with someone they are not married to. It shocked me seeing it. Although this person did not know that I saw them, I felt like I was carrying a ton of guilt with the knowledge that I held every time I saw that person’s spouse. I thought about saying something to the cheater, but decided against it. I felt that telling the spouse would be crossing the line entirely.
This past weekend I got a surprise knock on my door on a Saturday afternoon. When I opened the door, someone I didn’t know was standing there and asking if I had one of my neighbor’s phone numbers. When I asked why they needed it, the answer wasn’t completely shocking. The response was, “My spouse and their spouse are cheating together. We (the uninvolved parties) were both told that it was over months ago, but it’s not.”
My immediate question to this person was, “What kind of car does your spouse drive?” I only asked because I got a very good view of this person’s car, and it’s been stuck in my mind ever since. The response? “Black BMW. Why?”
I told this person what I had seen. I told them that it bothered me seeing it, but I didn’t think it was my business to confront my neighbor about what had transpired.
Then I got more information offered to me, like the fact that the person standing in front of me had confronted both her spouse and the other person involved in the affair. That they assured this person that it was over and would never see each other again. Apparently it had only just begun though, because the shady behavior was continuing. In addition, the Black BMW driver’s daughter saw a conversation in Words With Friends where the two cheaters exchanged lovey dovey conversation with one another, and prompted the daughter to ask if her parent was seeing someone on the side. This daughter is 7 years old, and they also have a 3 year old and a 1 year old at home as well.
I felt for this person. I worried about what if this was happening to me? I would probably go to the same lengths to contact the other person’s spouse to let them know it’s not over. And the person that I know that is involved in the affair had a little bit of a bad karma thing going on with how they had treated me in the past, as well as being critical of the possible longevity of the relationship my husband and I have.
So you know what, I gave that person the phone number they desired. What that person has done with that phone number, I’m not so sure. But now I feel badly about giving the information.
I don’t like being a tattle tale. I don’t like to be the catalyst in anything life-changing, and I feel like giving that phone number could be the end to a relatively young marriage that could have been salvageable. But then again, there is nothing I can’t stand more than a liar and a cheat, and this person has clearly been attempting to pull the wool over the eyes of their spouse… and the other person’s spouse! Although I feel like I helped someone (from one parent to another), I fear that I have possibly ruined two marriages in the process. Two marriages that clearly have been having their issues and would have eventually ended had they continued down this path, but I’ve accelerated their demise. And for that I feel classic Catholic Guilt that I had engrained in me at such a young age.
Thinking about all of this really makes me think about loyalty, and the foundation of a monogamous relationship. Apparently monogamy isn’t for everyone. But when there is children involved in the picture and a marriage on the line why can’t people keep their pants on? Maybe I’m riding the moral high horse on this topic, but I just think that destroying an 18 year relationship with three children all for the sake of having fun is just not worth it. Am I wrong?
Jenny K. is a Mom Blogger in Orange County who can also be seen writing away at Three Before Thirty.