I really do like having sex with my husband but I’m tired, he’s tired, and honestly it’s just not making the cut between Mad Men, brewing Kombucha, and riding my bike. People say you should schedule it, but UGH that sticks it on the list with putting away laundry and buying dog food. No thank you.
So after much thought and meditation I would like to offer you my Top 5 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life With Your Partner of a Million Years Who You Have No Interest in Spicing Things Up With Because Things are Good and You are Simply Too Too Too Tired.
5. Give each other sensual massages WHILE you watch Pawn Stars. Who says you have to choose one? Keep these bonus tips in mind–if you shower and brush your teeth, then ask to go first, you get someone to put your lotion on for you while you fall asleep! WIN! *
4. Get a bikini wax, body scrub and a spray tan. You’ll feel smooth and sexy and you can send your partner naughty Facebook messages all day and flirt with the 19-year-old barista at Venice Grind. You’ll feel so good about yourself that when you spend your evening talking about taxes and dental appointments, you’ll forget all about that silly sex stuff. Make sure you stroll through the bedroom naked so they can remark on how shiny you look, then put on your 8 year old holy boxers and play Words with Friends in bed while they watch The Daily Show.
3. Enjoy shows like Polyamory on Showtime and talk about how you are both so “open minded” that either of you could do that and it would be awesome but you would both get creeped out by strangers dirty bathrooms plus its soooo much work and you’d have to buy panties with no holes in them so HAHAHA never mind pass the popcorn. Fall asleep and dream of having an affair with Hugh Jackman that your husband authorized.
4. Let go of expectations and ignore your stupid friends when they tell you they have amazing sex with their partner every day. First of all they DON’T, but even if they do it’s only because there is a reminder on their phone and because they are type A they can’t check off something they didn’t actually do. Suckers.
5. Buy the Lululemon Ebb and Flow Crop pants–they make your butt look awesome and your spouse will comment on how hot you look and whisper in your ear about all the stuff they are going to do to you later. You can giggle and pretend it’s really going to happen, then forget about it while you make dinner and realize you forgot to buy milk. It’s almost as good as having sex, so take what you can get and Instagram yourself from the waist down so everyone can LIKE your cute caboose.
Maybe if we spend less time focusing on what we are SUPPOSED to be doing, and enjoy what we ARE doing, life will be a little sexier on it’s own. Don’t you agree?
*Feel free to mix it up with variations like Project Runway or Dog Whisperer, or add booze, candles or aromatherapy to each and every suggestion. Everything is sexy if you are tipsy, it’s dark, or you smell like lavender.