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Read Jessica’s latest post, A Letter to Stepmoms on Mother’s Day

The definition of Stepmother is “a woman that your father marries after his marriage to or relationship with your mother has ended.” Ouch! I’ve been “that woman” aka  Stepmother for the past 13 years.  Let me tell you, it can be one of the most challenging jobs there is. It is harder than motherhood in a lot of ways. A lot of little girls grow up saying I can’t wait to be a Mom. Nobody grows up saying, I can’t wait to be a Stepmom!

I was 21 when I met my husband. He mentioned that he had children on the night we met, and I thought, oh that’s nice, never thinking that we would make it past the first date. To make a long story short, we fell in love by the second date… can you say instant family?

Mother’s Day is a day that was created for Mothers, a day for a child to show their appreciation to the most important woman in their life. Which, btw does not apply to you, when your stepchildren already have a Mom who is very much a part of their lives. What I always find odd is that as a Stepmom you are supposed to perform motherly duties, without getting “the credit.” You are supposed to treat the children like your own. You are supposed to provide financial support. Do homework, cook, clean and drive around. You are a teacher, a mentor, a parent and friend. In all honesty, you are not really a friend. I hate when people say that. Sometimes in fact, you are the enemy.

As a Stepmom on Mother’s Day you may get a card, but you know that your husband probably picked it out and “made” the kids sign it. Which is still a nice gesture, don’t get me wrong. But it’s not the same. You don’t get the handmade crafts from school when they’re young, or breakfast in bed when they get older. Those things are done for the “real” mom. You don’t get taken out for Mother’s Day tea, or even a coffee. You probably won’t even see the kids on that special Sunday, or get a phone call. Don’t even think about being mentioned on their Facebook status.

Mother’s Day used to bother me a lot more before I had a child of “my own.” I’m putting it in quotes to let you know, that I know how ridiculous that sounds. Nobody owns anyone, even if you did birth them. I guess when you’ve heard, “why don’t you just have your own kids” for long enough, you start to buy into the madness. His, hers, yours, mine and ours. Once you become a blended family, everyone comes with a label. For the past few years now, since I had my daughter, I do get the all of the Mother’s Day accolades. I get taken out to brunch. I get to spend the day being treated like a queen, by one very special little girl. It’s almost enough to make me forget about those other feelings, and my 3 Stepchildren. Almost.

Over the last 13 years I have learned to do the only thing I can. I just accept the situation for what it is. Kind of awkward for everyone involved, especially the children. Even in the best of blended families.  I try and put the kid’s feelings first, instead of my own. Most days I do pretty well. The reality of being a Stepmother is that usually the kids already have a Mom. They don’t want or need another one. What child would? The only reason that they have a Stepmom is because their dad and mom are no longer together, something that they had no control over. When it comes to families, all that most children really want is for their parents to be happy and still together. Celebrating Mother’s day, Father’s day, and every other holiday altogether as a family. One family, under one roof.

I’ve been living in a blended family for most of my life, since I was 18 months, but it still can be difficult, on this holiday and every other one. From growing up as a Stepdaughter to becoming a Stepmother, neither one of these roles are easy, but they are both a part of who I am.

Jessica New Fuselier writes about being a LA Mom, Stepmom and Photographer at Fresh Angeles. She also is married to the mouse over at her other blog Disney Sisters, how’s that for a blended family?

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49 comments

  1. Florinda 11 May, 2012 at 09:45 Reply

    I’ve been a stepmother for 5.5 years, and for most of those years–just by coincidence of timing–my stepkids have been with their dad and me on Mother’s Day, and it’s always felt weird to me. This year they’ll be with their mom. While I’ve been actively and intimately involved in raising these two children–who are 17 and 12 now, and the younger one barely remembers when his parents were together–none of us ever forget that they have a mother, and it’s not me. It is rather bittersweet, and you’ve described it very well. Thanks!

  2. Elizabeth 12 May, 2012 at 07:42 Reply

    I sincerely appreciate the efforts of my 7 year old daughters stepmother. What are your feelings on this? The last two years my ex husband has picked up our daughter from school on the Friday before Mothers Day. As a result my daughter has given everything she made for me to her stepmother and I have received none of the cute little crafts from school. While I don’t mind sharing, don’t you think they should ask her if she wanted to save something for me?

    • Jessica New Fuselier 14 May, 2012 at 23:41 Reply

      Thanks for your comment Elizabeth. It’s nice to hear that you have some understanding with the stepmom. I’m sorry that you havent been receiving your child’s Mother’s Day gifts. Maybe talking to your ex about your feelings would help! Good Luck with your blended family! I wish you all the best! Hope you had a Happy Mother’s Day!

  3. traceyclark 13 May, 2012 at 08:40 Reply

    thank you for sharing such an honest account of what being a stepmother is like. it’s a point of view that isn’t approached very often and hearing your side of the story is enlightening. what a brave story to tell Jessica. xo

    • Jessica New Fuselier 14 May, 2012 at 23:43 Reply

      Thanks for taking the time out to comment Tracey! All of the positive feedback just tells me that this subject is something that needs to be explored much more! Hope you had a nice Mother’s Day!

  4. Diana 13 May, 2012 at 21:58 Reply

    I agree Mothers Day as a step-mother can be very awkward and downright uncomfortable. I am a mom to two boys and a step-mom to two girls. I think step-mothering has taught me a lot about my own ability to be compassionate and understanding. I wrote about my own stepmom/mom Mothers Day experience today too. Good luck with your blended family.

  5. L. Waddell 13 May, 2012 at 22:41 Reply

    This is the first time I’ve ever seen a post about what it’s like to be a stepmother on Mothers Day, and as one myself, I thank you. Its even more difficult when you have no kids of your own, but have raised, nurtured, been responsible for and loved your spouses children like your own, only to be reminded that you’ll always be the runner up in the Mom sweepstakes as long as their “real ” mother is present.

    • Jessica New Fuselier 14 May, 2012 at 23:49 Reply

      Mother’s Day for me was A LOT more difficult for me emotionally before my daughter was born. It’s such a complicated role being a stepmom & I’m glad to find friends like you online who can relate! Good Luck with your blended family! Happy (belated) Mother’s Day!

    • Eva 11 October, 2012 at 10:37 Reply

      I thank you both so much for posting this, I know this comment is late and it’s not mothers day. But I happened across this blog today trying to get advice about being a step mom. I have been a step mom for 2 years now to a 6 year old boy, and have 4 children of my own. I am trying my best to be all that I am supposed to be for my step son, as I am to my children. But I am at a loss. How do you deal with being told “your not my mom” or “that’s not my mom, that’s my dad’s friend” or “I was told your not my mom, and I cant call you mom” or “I was told I don’t have to listen to you” This is nerve racking and puts a strain on my marriage. I am heart broken almost every day by a child… A child that I love with all my heart and have taken care of as my own. Not to mention he is with me and his father more then his mother. I know it is not his fault and he is a child. but how do I stop the feeling of resentment? The feeling of heartache. How can one live like this everyday and not walk away? Thank you again for your honesty in your post. I am very thankful i am not the only one feeling certain ways.

  6. prasti 14 May, 2012 at 05:49 Reply

    thank you for your honest post. i can totally relate to those feelings at times and it’s not easy to share. i also met my husband at 21. i’ve been a stepmom to his son for 10 years (he’s now almost 15 and i met him when he was 4), and we’ve had him full-time for the past 8 years. we have 4 kids all together now (including my stepson) and i’ve always treated him like he’s my own. but it is hard when the “real mom” is also a part of their lives, because you know you’re never going to replace that “official” role. he’s always been with us for mother’s day, and thankfully i’ve never felt like any of his actions during mother’s day were contrived. but, we’ve had to share mother’s day with his mom as well…and that was awkward. and i know that there have been a few occasions childhood, especially soon after my husband and i married, that she re-iterated to him through her actions and words that she was his mom. even though i filled the “duties” of a mother, i don’t count according to her and she has made that very clear quite a few times. unfortunately, that puts her son in an awkward position and makes it difficult for everyone involved. we try to do the best we can.

  7. Sarah W. 14 May, 2012 at 09:19 Reply

    Amen! I have been a stepmom for eight years (almost four officially married and all) to three great kids. I met them when they were younger (9, now 16. 5, now 13. 2.5, now 10.) and they have always been very attached to me, in a non-motherly way, and they still appreciate all that I do for them.

    My stepson (the youngest) happened to chat with me yesterday on gmail chat and at the end of the conversation he said “Happy Mother’s Day” which made my heart melt. It’s hard to be recognized and I appreciate the recognition when I get it.

    Btw, didn’t realize Tracey was your sister — I went to Camp Shutter Sisters last year and have done the Picture classes too — Small world, this blogging thing. 🙂

    • Jessica New Fuselier 15 May, 2012 at 10:52 Reply

      Hi Sarah,
      Awesome to know that you’re a friend of my sister! I have a great relationship with all 3 of my Stepkids. I have been in their lives for 14 years since they were all VERY young. It’s nice to hear that you are appreciated for all that you do w/ your Stepchildren. We both know how hard it is. Thanks for your comment! Happy (belated) Mother’s Day & good luck with your blended family! 🙂

  8. Jennifer 17 May, 2012 at 14:51 Reply

    Maybe I’m reading this wrong, but the kids didn’t decide to join you. You decided to marry their father. I think being a stepmother might be hard, but you’re an adult — with choices. The kids had no choice and the choices made by the adults around them –divorce, remarriage, new siblings — will affect them the rest of their lives. Of course, you should put them and their feelings first! You’re the adult.

    • Rachael 24 October, 2012 at 12:49 Reply

      You must not be a step mom. If you were I don’t think you would make this kind of comment. I, however, am a step mom and I very much relate to this blog. I know there are many other step moms out there that feel the same way. Especially when the step children are your only children. When you love your step children like your own children and they come home from school that Friday before Mother’s day and show you all the things they made for their mom at school, that’s heart breaking. Clearly that has never happened to you or you might understand her point of view a little better.

      • Bonni Chapman 8 May, 2013 at 11:05 Reply

        I have been both a Mom, a Step Mom and a Step Daughter. I appreciate all the comments. While being a Mother is an important thankless job, being a StepMother is even more thankless. The only way to survive being a StepMom is to expect nothing, then any appreciation you get will be a wonderful surprise. Some were taken aback by the comments made by Jessica about the kids not having a choice in the matter is also so true. Try not to take it personally and remember the definition. Often Step Moms are a constant reminder of the family that was lost. Do what you do for your StepKIds out of love for their Dad, your husband.

      • Jasmin 25 August, 2013 at 06:45 Reply

        I agree!! She must not be a stepmom!! No one mentioned the kids feelings and choices not put first.. I’m a stepmom as well. I have been in my stepsons life since he was 1…..I adore him like my own! He is so proud to call me his stepmom…and has always told me he loves me!!! I dont intend to take his moms place but am so happy and grateful that this child loves me for loving him!!!My family is blended as I also came in this marriage with a 3yr old daughter. My husband is such an amazing stepfather to her. Today my daughter is soon to be 14, my stepson is 11 and our youngest is 9. Stepmoms deserve to be acknowledged.

  9. Alexandra 25 May, 2012 at 14:06 Reply

    I’m reading this a little late, as I’m still working through my feelings as a stepmom to an 8-year-old girl for the past 2 years, and as caretaker of a family friend’s 5-year-old boy for nearly his whole life. Just wanted to share…

    Mother’s Day was difficult for me this year. I miss my mom, who is 500 miles away, and I had an abortion in January. Even though it was the right choice for us at the time, I still couldn’t help but to think about how I would have been about 5 months pregnant at the time. I just felt kind of melancholy all weekend long, even though I have plenty to be grateful for (and then some).

    I had to force a smile and “thank you” when I was told “Happy Mother’s Day!” over that weekend by two associates at different stores. I asked my stepdaughter if she would like to make a card for her mother, who she stays with Monday evening through Friday morning (and every other week during summer vacation). She said, “I already got her one”. But when we were at Target on Mother’s Day, she wanted to buy her another card, which is understandable, however neither my husband nor my stepdaughter acknowledged my role in any way. On top of my full-time day job, I do all of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry… I draw her baths and get her off to bed, reading her stories, laying with her after the lights are off and she falls asleep (per her request). I contribute often more than my share financially. I do it because I want to; I absolutely adore my family. Not to mention all that I do to care for the 5-year-old boy, but I get paid for that! 😛

    My husband called his mom, I talked to her for a bit, then put my stepdaughter on the phone with her. I heard her ask SD if she had wished me a happy mother’s day, and she said “yes”. I looked at DH and shook my head.

    DH normally takes SD home early Monday morning before he goes to work, but her mom requested that she come home late Sunday afternoon so that they could have dinner together (she has an older half sister and a newborn half sister – all three have different fathers, yikes). As we were about to get in the car to take her back, SD said, “oh yeah- I made you a card at school, but I accidentally left it there.” I welled up a little and hugged her. I said, “That really means a lot to me. It’s okay that you forgot it at school. Thank you for thinking of me. I’d love to see it if it’s still there and you remember to grab it. I LOVE YOU!”

    That helped me to change my attitude, and to not feel pity for myself. SD and DH show their appreciation for me in many ways throughout every day life. I don’t need them to make a fuss over me on Mother’s Day to feel validated. I read something a couple of weeks ago about how Mother’s Day isn’t just for mothers, but for the special women who love with the heart of a mother. And then I considered how Mother’s Day can be very painful for those whose mothers have recently passed away, or for mothers who have recently lost a child.

    Anyway, thanks for sharing something that I was able to relate to, for the most part, as I learn and grow through the first few years of life as part of a blended family.

  10. Michelle 16 September, 2012 at 05:06 Reply

    I’m a step-daughter. My father got married almost 4 years ago and I still haven’t adjusted to his new wife.

    I’m an open minded person and I’ve always believed that it was possible for a step parent to love their step-child but that doesn’t apply to my situation.

    My stepmom doesn’t care about me at all and in fact she tells my dad to against me. It hurts terribly to know that someone hates me.
    It’s a horrible feeling to be hated by someone.

    Reading the article above and the comments that go along with it, I’ve teared up and it makes me wonder what it would be like if my step-mom would have made an effort to be nice to me. Or to like me.

    • Rachael 24 October, 2012 at 12:53 Reply

      That is so sad, Michelle. I hope that one day you and your step-mom can get along. My step daughter has been a blessing to me but I did meet her when she was 4, so I think that has made it easier. I hope things get better for your relationship.

  11. Shannon 10 January, 2013 at 10:36 Reply

    I know this post is kind of late, but I just found this through google, trying to look up inspirational step-mom quotes. I was very moved and intrigued with all of the posts here so I thought I’d share my story/opinion 🙂 I am a step-mom of 4 years! I met my step-daughter when she was 2 and now she is a big 6 year old! We have a great relationship and I couldn’t love her more! I can relate to a lot of the comments/stories that have been posted here. I too have struggled with being a step-mom and the best one I could be. I have to agree with one comment in that we are the adults here. You absolutely cannot blame a child for the situation you or they are in. I have struggled with my stepdaughters Mom in the past…..one thing I suggest if you are having difficulty with a Mom, communicate! In the beginning I thought it was best to go through my husband, well I soon found out that can be dangerous only because there is usually still some type of hostility between the two. I still, definitely, communicate all my thoughts/opinions/concerns with my husband, but if there is something bothering me/concerning me about my stepdaughter, or what she has said that her mother told her, etc., I’ve learned to go straight to the source and just ask. In most cases things get resolved a lot quicker and easier. It’s also made our relationship with each other tons better! It’s easier for us to agree on things now like schedule, practices, doc appointments….heck even punishment! If my stepdaughter does something at our house that she is “grounded” (I mean she is 6, so this hardly happens) I will text her mom and let her know, and vice versa. It’s all about communication. And it may feel awkward in the beginning, but you have to tough it out to get to a common ground. What is in the child’s best interest is the best. If you can show that as adults you can get along and agree on things in front of the child(ren), they will be much better off than if you have some sort of resentment for the other person. Because, let’s face it, jealousy is the factor here. The mom is jealous that you get to spend time with her child, and as a step-mom, you can become jealous that maybe the child doesn’t love you like they love their mom. That’s OKAY! By just showing the child, and the other parent (mom) that you are willing to go that extra mile, compromise, get along, whatever it may be, in the long run is what will win out and shape yours and your step-childs life for the better! Thanks for the post!!!!

  12. Teri Park 28 March, 2013 at 02:14 Reply

    Dear Step Mom’s,
    I read your stories, and as a “real mom” can appreciate your feelings. I must say however, stop the pitya party! Find a healthier way to be acknowledged. As a mom, I never asked you to care for my children, their father did! Which, ironically, he should be asking the children’s mother. Isn’t that what you do when you were together? Healthy adults do this, which minimizes step parents roles. Face it, you married their father…nothing Moe. It does not give you an automatic role of respect and notariety.

    • ala 12 April, 2013 at 09:13 Reply

      Dear Teri Park-

      There’s nothing “appreciative” about your response. As a matter of fact, it reeks of “you knew what you were getting into.” Do stepmoms really know? Absolutely not. If so- I’d bet my bottom dollar they/we wouldn’t say “I do.” Also, would you have the same attitude if the argument was against in-laws? I bet not.

      To be quite frank- your response almost sounds vindictive. How? “I never asked you to care for my children.” So because they/we do, now we DESERVE the mistreatment? Hmmmm… Good to know, thanks 🙂

    • ala 12 April, 2013 at 09:20 Reply

      I almost forgot:

      “he should be asking the children’s mother. Isn’t that what you do when you were together? Healthy adults do this, which minimizes step parents rolesFace it, you married their father…nothing Moe.”

      Yes, of course, WHILE together. But since there is a SEPARATION, then y’know, he IS allowed to care for his kid[s] INDEPENDENT of you and use whatever resources he may have (i.e., a spouse, his own mother, a sibling, etc). But I suppose its the fact that he makes these requests from the women who replaced you that makes it “wrong”? Realizing he doesn’t need YOU to care for kids that are ALSO his may come as a shock to you, but it happens darling.

      I digress. After all, you had a baby with the man… nothing “moe.”

      Have a wonderful day,
      Bio/Step-mom

  13. Glitterandturpentine 3 May, 2013 at 21:30 Reply

    I’ve been a step-mom for 5.5 years. We have my step-daughter 80% of the time. I don’t receive any acknowledgement from my husband or her. My parents send me a card every year though. I appreciate that they see the hard work.
    It is nice to read this. It made me feel less alone.

  14. Kellie 11 May, 2013 at 15:02 Reply

    Tomorrow being Mother’s Day, I found myself looking for a quote to help me summarize my feelings or a blog from someone that could relate. I’ve been in Dillon and Gracie’s lives since she was 1 and he was 2.5. I love them and I do not have biological children yet… Nor have their father and I gotten married yet.
    After 2.5 years of dating, he proposed and although its been a struggle from the beginning with his ex, somehow, it got worse when we got engaged. In August we will have been engaged for 4 years and together for 6.5. I love him, I love them but somedays it’s hard to not feel unappreciated. I don’t need a fancy gift or even expect (not would I accept) the gift they make at school. I’m not their mom- they have one. And they will never know my feelings about her… It’s not their fault.
    I guess I feel more disappointed… And hurt… This day “Mother’s Day” comes and I can’t help but feel “gyped”. All the love, time, work, care, patience, sleepless nights with a sick child, frustrated days with a misbehaving child.. Everything I do to make them feel at home and loved and cared for… And I have never so much as gotten a card from their father.
    I think he thinks that, if it were him, he wouldn’t want another man, receiving a “Father’s Day” card from them.
    But I’ve been here for almost 7 years. It’s not easy but he makes it worth it. He’s a great man!!! He’s by far, the most loving, caring father I’ve ever known (I love my dad- but he wasn’t exactly “hands-on”. I’m 32 and I’m lucky to still have him in my life and I wouldn’t trade it for the world- but I see how he could have been. (Should have been).
    Anyway, I love my fiancé, I love my (future) step kids- I know I’m not their mom.
    I just wish that I got some sort of show of appreciation.
    I went from 26 and single to 26 and helping to raise 2 kids a dog and a clueless fiancé.

    –And I have mentioned it to him- which is how I know he (basically) doesn’t think I should be recognized on a day meant for someone that I’m not… Their mom.
    So, thank you for takin time to share your story.
    Thank you for allowing me to vent about mine.
    And thank you for reassuring that I’m not alone!!!
    Happy Mother’s Day to all of the biological and non biological mother’s out there!!!
    Either way, it’s a difficult job that often goes unnoticed and unappreciated.
    but… It’s not always easy, but It’s worth it!!!!
    <3

    Kellie

  15. Katie 12 May, 2013 at 06:53 Reply

    I’m in a particulary weird situation. I’m a 16 year old stepchild. My stepdad divorced my mom when I was 11 and remarried by the time I was 12. At first I didn’t like her. The divorce was very painful Ans I felt like it was her fault, but its been almost five years since then and I’ve grown to really love her. She won’t ever be able to be equal to my mom, but she is the next best thing and I want her to know she is loved and I want mothers day to be special for her too. I can’t believe that most stepmother’s don’t have stepchildren that honor them as real moms. They deserve the credit. I talk to my stepmom everyday and see her almost once a week. I got her and my mom the same things for mothers day; flowers, huge balloons, and a card with a handwritten letter from me. My mom will always be closer to me. That’s just how it is, but thar doesn’t mean that my stepmom doesn’t deserve to be honored and treated like a queen on mothers day for taking care of me. It was a job she didn’t have to do. I’m very thankful for her. She’s not my mom, but she is definitely a parent to me. She is family. I split my holidays with both of my families. I spend half a day with my mom, and half a day with my stepparents.

    • JustLoz 1 May, 2016 at 23:51 Reply

      You are the sweetest boy! Reading your post gave me goosebumps! You’re very thoughtful. I’m a bio mum and step mum…. You made me teary! Whoever has contributed to your upbringing should be very proud of the young man you’ve become, as should you.

  16. carla 12 May, 2013 at 10:53 Reply

    I been a step mom for over 4 years. I married a man with 3 kids ( two different mother). Im not lucky to have my own. Its too difficult to get love and be appreciated by the people you are serving, doing anything for them so that we can have a nice family. These kids just staying in our house every weekend.It is really a dillema that every time there is some occasions like a mothers day, i cant help to be lonely and longing. Is these wrong?

  17. Jesebee 12 June, 2013 at 19:05 Reply

    What I have come to realize is mixed family situations are very awkward and if there is an issue going on, whether that be the unhappiness of the stepmom or children, or both, the culprit is the dad. You never hear of a disgruntled father who has a new wife taking care of his kids. In a way, he has kind of recruited someone to do the dirty work. He gets to sit back and be the nicest daddy in the world while the stepmom withers away.
    I could go on and on…but if you find you are a stepmom and are having problems….you need to speak with your partner (the dad of your stepchildren.) You need to make clear your boundaries, what you are willing to do/not to do, and stick by that. You deserve to be happy and live in a home where you are respected. Noone should take that away from you. Don’t let your “Man” let your life become miserable because he can’t step up to the plate and make the situation comfortable for everyone. If he can’t do it…there is no point in staying with him.

  18. Valerie 28 July, 2013 at 01:35 Reply

    Hi my name is Valerie, and I was so happy to come across this blog about the point of view of a step mom. I was 19 when I meant my husband and my beautiful step son. I agree no step mom knows how hard its is until you live through it . I have no children of own which matters harder .As a step mother its hard caring for somone unconditionally knowing they might not love you the same back . Doing all the mommy duties without the “credit”. I don’t think we step moms want pity but just some appreciation.

  19. iona 10 September, 2013 at 15:15 Reply

    Although I am not married to my partner I still consider myself a stepmother. I have been involved in my stepsons life since he was 3 years old! Although my partner and his mother have been seperated since he was 18months. Special days around the year are really hard for me, because I know that he celebrates all of these special days with his step father. His mother said that at 18 months old he decided to call this man dad, having studied childhood development I know that this is a load of rubbish consideringhis father is a massive part of his life. Its hard enough hearing him refer to his mother, stepfather and siblings as his real family but to have to watch the hurt on my partners face every time he calls another man dad is just awful. We struggle with communicating with his mother as both her and my partner go on the defensive if there is ever an issue. Its soo hard. I havee built a solid relationship with my stepson and spend a friday night with him just me and him while his father is at work. I feel that the relationship we have is only just getting stronger. What is terrifying me the most is that my stepson haswent home to his mother and told her that I am his step mom and she is horrified. I have never told him thats what I was neither has my partner, but after this I am worried what the future will hold. Me and my partner are trying for a baby and I couldnt stand my stepsons new little brother or sister being downgraded by his mother. I know I will just have to cross that bridge when I come to it but I know I will not be able to sit back and let it be. I will feel the need to stick up for my kid.
    Has anyone else had the same experience that could offer me some advice?
    Thanks xx

    • iona 10 September, 2013 at 15:33 Reply

      Ps I just read that back and soumds quite harsh. ….
      I do understand it is not my stepsons fault and he always hugs me and tells me he loves me which is appriciation enough for me. Thought id add that in so you all didnt think I was a bit of an ogre. 🙂 xx

  20. A bonus mom 20 March, 2014 at 06:18 Reply

    I have taken the time and read what what everyone has to say. Shame on thosse moms that have brought negativity to this site. I think that this is a great blog for those who are “step moms”. It lets you know that your feelings are normal. It shows that all “step moms” have the same feelings and struggles. I am 40 years old and I have been raised in a blended family, yet at the same time I have raised two wonderful children that are part of a blended family for sixteen years. It has taken me a long time to understand my role as a daughter and mother of a blended family. I think I have finally come to grips with everything and what my role is. To let you know, I hate the word step. I feel that the words “step” demonstrates that those who are less than real parents, kids, grandparent ect. Are nothing more than the dirt that is walked on everyday. You know what I am worth more than that, my role as a mother and daughter are just as important as everyone else.

    This is where my views have changed over the years. It has brought me peace as a mom and daughter. I don’t have any steps in my life because everyone that walks through my life makes an impact of who I am. They are worth just as much as anyone else. I wouldn’t be the mom and person I am to day if it weren’t for all the “step and real” in my life. This is where my view is different from most of yours. I have bonus grandparents, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and children. I can never take the place of the real mom. We have to remember that if it wasn’t for the real parents these kids wouldn’t be on this earth. That is why I consider myself and everyone that is involved with my kids and myself as bonuses. I am a bonus mom and daughter. I get to enjoy everything about these kids and my bonus mom was able to do the same. These kids and myself have been blesses with an extra mom, grandparent, sibling ect. No matter what all real parents and bonus parents are going to shape these kids’ future.

    We all need to put down our frustrations and try to bring understanding. If we don’t then the kids feel it and is that the best for them. We are a bonus in there life and our role isn’t any less important than the next person. The kids wouldn’t be who they are if it weren’t for everyone involved. Just remember we are all worth something and so are the children, so just remember as life brings you struggles, frusteration, on both sides. We need to always remember that it is very easy to judge the other parent, but it is even harder to bring understanding. As parents, bonus or real, we all have our own ideas on how to parent. It doesn’t mean one way is better than the other, it just means we need to try to understand instead of passing judgement and influencing these innocent kids out of anger instead of love. This will shape their future and we only needed to try to influence aur kids in a positive way, so they can be positive children for our future.

  21. Natalie 24 September, 2014 at 12:05 Reply

    You know what holidays can be like for Mother’s who husbands left them for their kids so called “Step Mom’s” Lets see, I chose to have children because I wanted to be my children’s mother and their only mother. I never asked to share them in anyway. I have sole physically custody of my children so I am the one who spends the majority of the time taking care of them. But on holidays, my ex has my kids buy presents for their stepmother and the person who is their real mother never receives anything. I don’t feel sorry for stepmothers unless they have assumed the full responsiblity to take care of these children. If you want a child and you don’t have one then you should consider having your own or adopting one if these kids real mothers are involved in their lives.

  22. Emily 3 May, 2015 at 17:20 Reply

    Just found this and I am 12 years old and I have a stepmom but your missing the fact that what if a kid like me doesn’t have their mom in their lives and you turn to ur step mom that’s not such a bad thing

  23. Katie 6 May, 2015 at 09:21 Reply

    when becoming “step mom” I knew that was merely a title. My kids already have a mom and she’s a great one. My intention was to never try and compete with their mom. My goal has and always will be to be a great wife to my husband and to be the kids, Katie. The relationship I have with the kids is so special, so close , so meaningful and so different then the relationship that have with their parents.
    On Mother’s Day we honor their Mom. She has given them life and love. She has given me the best gift in the world, she has welcomed me into her family and shared the joy of getting to watch my 2 favorite people grow up.

  24. Tara 10 May, 2015 at 20:38 Reply

    My husband has full custody of his son. Birth mom lives 6 hours away, she moved 3.5 years ago from living in the same town with her son and custody every other week! Now it’s every other weekend! I’ve been step mom now for 5 years. although I fill the role of “mom duties”, do all the unappreciated household tasks, I’m the parental figure, check his grades, remind him of things, couldn’t love him more if I would have actually birthed him. I hear him if he cries, I clean his room when he can’t find that special toy, pick his favorite snacks for the week, sit on the edge of the bed when he has a story to tell and it’s an hour past bedtime! I helped him wrap his mothers gift, put it all in a box and hugged him on the way out the door Friday night. Then when we picked him up today, I listened to his stories of how it was “mothers weekend” so she opened gifts yesterday. I cried silently because of how much I was reminded that I’m not a mom, but I am blessed to know that without her, I wouldn’t have him! to know I’m shaping the life of this one boy to appreciate his mother, that’s worth it to me! Now, my husband, he is the one who should have recognized in some way the things I do for his boy and him. He’s the one I told today that my heart broke and he should appreciate me just a bit more! Step moms, it’s never going to be about us, but we can always take the high road and teach the step kids lessons in kindness & understanding!

  25. Franciscos 1 November, 2015 at 07:55 Reply

    I too am a stepmother to two beautiful little princesses that I love very much. I do have my own daughter too thank god for blessing me with her. all of our girls (total 3) are 1 year apart from one another. The girls love each other and refer to each other as sisters. the girls love me and even wanted to call me mom at a point but I corrected them because I do not think it is appropriate knowing that their mom is very much active in their lives. first name basis is okay with me and when they get older if they choose to call me something else that is fine. anyways one day one of the daughter told me right in front of her mom that she wanted to call me mom too, next time they come to visit my stepdaughter proceeded to tell me that she has two daddies and one mommy. I could not believe their mom would tell them to say that. she makes the girls call her BOYFRIEND daddy which is extremely disrespectful to their fathers as he is in their lives and supports them financially enough so she does not even work. she continuously tell the girls to say that I am a mean person, because she does not like the fact that the girls like me the way they do. she even told me I was irrelevant to them. I simply told her “when the girls are old enough to judge me on their own I will believe that until than I am very much relevant to them and I will continue to love and do for them all I have been doing”. She hates that she did not get the answer she wanted from me. She tries on a regular basis to take us to court, saying I am abusing the girls, I have taken their father away from them, I am a horrible person ect… sometimes I wonder what the heck did I get myself into and if I didn’t not have a child of my own I would be miserable. she uses the girls against us. if she is mad at us she refuse to let the girls come over and cancel their visitation with their dad as she refers to her boyfriend as daddy for the girls and promote his relationship with the girls as she alienate their father, but all that is my fault. she even told me that they were doing great before I came in the picture, which I find hard to believed because they were already separated and she left him for her current boyfriend and was already dragging him to court and doing whatever she can to get every dime she can. she hates that I am not stupid and wont let her walk all over him, I have a degree, own my own house, have my own cars, secured job. while she lays at home playing SAHM at beach every day and constantly coming up with ways to mess with ours. he is a sweetheart and she wants to control our household and that does not bode well with me. She is also very bipolar she cusses me out and for mothers day she has the girls bring me flowers and card, balloon ??? I am confused and do no trust her. then she turns around the next month and tell me that I am irrelevant to them ect…! I take care of the kids when they come over. stay up with the 4 year old who still sleep like a newborn, ensure that the girls have double everything, birthdays, Christmas, Halloweens, easters, clothing, own room, entertainment, love ect… I work fulltime to support the kids when they are here and my child because of all the money he makes goes to her because she is “not working”. the thing is she does work (at home) but under the table and is stupid enough to have a website and full of proof for me that she doesn’t know we know about. last year she lied took kids out of day care for 1 year and had us picking them up from her boyfriend house while we were paying her for daycare that they were not even going to. we took her to court and she enrolled them back in daycare. 2 months later she took them out again. we went to court again and this time she said she was working but only making $200 a month but needed the girls to still go to daycare. they told her that was not going to happen since she basically was not working. we found out about her online selling’s but this time we decided to let it go so we are not constantly in the court with her. Her poor boyfriend has no kids of his own and so she does not know how the shoes feel on the other foot. It is never the kids fault for the feelings they have toward stepmom its the jealousy of the biomom of fathers new wife ands good relationship with the kids. keep being a good mom to those kids and they will see truth when they are older. I know I went left field but I am just happy to have somewhere to vent 🙂

  26. A Lucynda 3 May, 2016 at 12:21 Reply

    This article was so well-written. I have been a step-mother for 3 years. My husband has 2 adult children from his first marriage. The “kids” are married with their own families. I have a 14 year old son from a previous relationship (his bio-dad is not in the picture). My husband and son have a very close relationship and there is never an awkwardness on Father’s Day, birthdays or any holiday. The relationship with my adult step-kids is “cordial”. They don’t acknowledge my birthday so I would never expect even a Facebook shout-out on Mother’s Day. But I make sure to get them cards, gifts and acknowledge their (and their spouses) birthdays, holidays, etc.

    Having my own child, I know that being a mother can be a thankless job at times but the “cold shoulder” from my stepkids has it made it that much harder.

    • Tanya 13 May, 2018 at 19:35 Reply

      This comment could have been written by me! I, too, am just ignored as if I don’t exist. My husband and his ex-wife had been divorced long before I met and married him (and I was a widow), but I can’t help but feel that my step daughter thinks I am the reason her mother and father will never get back together. My step daughter did a big Facebook post today on Mother’s Day for her own mother for Mother’s Day, which is perfectly fine and expected. However, she then did a second post and tagged about a dozen different women in it and I was not one of them. She has never acknowledged my birthday or even bought so much as a Christmas card for me (or her dad) but has never had a problem accepting any of the gifts, cards or cash that we have presented to her. And make no mistake: every gift, card or check that comes from our household is something that I do. My husband leaves that responsibility to me to shop for and select gifts, yet he is always the one who receives the credit from her. Come to think of it, she only actually calls her dad when she wants something, such as our help paying for an upcoming cruise that she is planning for her 22nd birthday. Sorry that you, too, are getting the cold shoulder 🙁

  27. Danielle 27 April, 2017 at 14:43 Reply

    Children have one mother. If that mother is not present in their lives due to choice or death, I could understand, if it were okay with the child to view you as a ‘mother’ and celebrate you on mothers day. I think that stepmothers that step up to the plate with good intentions and true affection for the child should choose a day that could be special (a stepparent/stepchild day) where the relationship is celebrated but it should not be on mothers day because that is disrespectful to the child’s biological mother and could confuse the child. I also feel that way about stepfathers. I also feel that a child should not be encouraged to call a stepparent mom or dad when their mom or dad is active in their lives. Afterall, you want to be viewed as an asset in their lives, not a substitute or replacement or threat, right? Could you imagine if your child went to their Aunts or Grandmother’s house regularly and developed a fond relationship with her and she fulfilled many of the motherly roles when she were with them and she felt slighted because she wasn’t receiving mothers day cards or called mom? I can understand a day of appreciation. Moms and Stepmoms should value each others roles, develop a bond by both wanting what is in the best interest of the child but should also respect each other’s roles and maintain boundaries that encourage those relationships to grow. No child should ever feel guilty for recognizing he has one mother and one father and no step parent should ever try to take the place of the biological parent, unless that role has been surrendered and the child desires that type of relationship with you. If my stepchild called me mom and his/her mom was present, I would explain how much I loved him/her but that she/he has only one mom and that possibly we could think of a special way they refer to me. I would do the same if they sent me a mother’s day card because you are risking that mother being upset with the child for your desire for recognition! Just my opinion.

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